I am a morning person, an early riser; my husband is not. When we got married, I could not come to terms with the fact that one could sleep past 8 am. I expected that my husband should also be an early riser. I had an expectation that was not met. This expectation led to many frustrating arguments back in the day. I gradually realised that no rulebook says that getting up after 8 am is a cardinal sin. My husband did not need to get to work early. So why get up before 8 am?

What I was doing was expecting my husband to suddenly fit into a role that existed in my mind without having had a conversation with him about it. This is what we do when we fail to talk about our expectations with one another.

Over the years as a premarital counsellor, I have discovered that when couples want to get married, they get lost in planning their wedding day. They forget to talk about the most critical issues that can make or mar their marriage. Expectations are one of those crucial issues. It pays to talk about what your expectations are before you say, I do. Having what I call ‘the expectations conversation’ is essential for any couple planning on getting married. It will help you spot unrealistic expectations and also help you spot red flags and deal-breakers.

Creating time to talk about your expectations means that, for the most part, you do away with surprises as you both become clearer on what you expect from each other.

This 10-step guide will show you how to have a productive and relationship-building conversation about your expectations.